To me it's really sad to see the word abused as negative. I think that the most common form of confession nowadays is criminals confessing to their crimes.
It's really sad.
Confession to me has a more pure meaning. Confession is the way we expose our souls to each other. Sinners confessing to priests, revealing their sins willingly and asking for forgiveness. Unrequited loves confessing their feelings for each other knowing the risk they take in exposing so much of themselves.
For the first time in my life I confessed to a girl that I like her on 10/4/12.
For the first time in my life I was rejected by a girl.
This is what I wrote the following couple days:
"Yesterday I confessed to a girl.
I do like her and I guess she didn’t.
It was really weird for me because that was my first confession.
I do like her and I guess she didn’t.
It was really weird for me because that was my first confession.
The first attempt at a connection with someone.
I guess I really expected, wanted, and wished that it would work out you know?
I thought I worked all my life trying to become a better person so that someday someone can love me the way that I want to love them.
I worked out. I started to play the ukulele. I started socializing more. Drank more. Haha.
But I guess I’m still a baby in this relationship world.
My
defense mechanism makes me be so selfish that I want to know everything
about other people and share nothing of myself so that I will not be
hurt and I have the upper hand.
I finally realize that. I’ve been so selfish and I need to start giving myself to others fully.
I want to tell my friend the pains that I have experienced that I have never told anyone.
Which I guess is one of the biggest causes of my fear of abandonment.
Yesterday I confessed and revealed a little bit of my insecurities.
I am changing.
For better or for worse I am changing.
For better or for worse I am changing.
Update: 10/6/12:
I watched an episode of How I met Your Mother that defined Lebenslangerschickalsschatz. It is true love and the One. The words that were spoken really told me that she was not my Lebenslangerschickalsschatz.
I had to think about it, she had to think about it.
It was not like the water of the river after a storm. I was not filled with thoughts of her nor being emptied by the prospect of losing her.
I think that because she was the one that I spent time with and liked deceived me into thinking she was my Lebenslangerschickalsschatz. I’m so desperate to find Lebenslangerschickalsschatz that I rush into things.
Now that I have destroyed that image of that “crush” by confessing I feel a bit lighter.
Don’t get me wrong. I feel despair and pain that makes me feel like I will never be loved and die alone. The grip in my heart that I have felt when I think of death and abandonment.
But by starting into this abyss I come to understand it a little better and be enlightened by its destruction.
Update: 10/7/12:
I’m actually grateful for this event.
I’m actually happier and feel better now.
It still sucks that she said she didn’t feel the same way but I think I still came out for the better.
For my entire life I went along not confessing because of all the ifs, coulds, and the entire mystery and anxiousness that comes with it. But now that I was rejected the whole thing became so much simpler now.
It boils down to asking and getting a yes or no answer.
It’s as simple as that. Sure there are some variables and some factors that go into it but it really boils down to a 50/50."
I watched an episode of How I met Your Mother that defined Lebenslangerschickalsschatz. It is true love and the One. The words that were spoken really told me that she was not my Lebenslangerschickalsschatz.
I had to think about it, she had to think about it.
It was not like the water of the river after a storm. I was not filled with thoughts of her nor being emptied by the prospect of losing her.
I think that because she was the one that I spent time with and liked deceived me into thinking she was my Lebenslangerschickalsschatz. I’m so desperate to find Lebenslangerschickalsschatz that I rush into things.
Now that I have destroyed that image of that “crush” by confessing I feel a bit lighter.
Don’t get me wrong. I feel despair and pain that makes me feel like I will never be loved and die alone. The grip in my heart that I have felt when I think of death and abandonment.
But by starting into this abyss I come to understand it a little better and be enlightened by its destruction.
Update: 10/7/12:
I’m actually grateful for this event.
I’m actually happier and feel better now.
It still sucks that she said she didn’t feel the same way but I think I still came out for the better.
For my entire life I went along not confessing because of all the ifs, coulds, and the entire mystery and anxiousness that comes with it. But now that I was rejected the whole thing became so much simpler now.
It boils down to asking and getting a yes or no answer.
It’s as simple as that. Sure there are some variables and some factors that go into it but it really boils down to a 50/50."
Looking back on it now I really have changed from this event. After the first real confession I had, I started being more true to myself and spoke what was on my mind.
I started to talk, really talk with my parents about our family relationship. Like most families, our family would have a fight and just not talk about it. All the problems and emotions were piling up and I've really started to talk out and mend our frayed relationships.
I started to tell my friends some of my secrets a little by little.
I really have started to change with my confession so I really urge everyone to get that thing off your chest by confessing, by revealing yourself to others and start changing.
I think this is appropriate for today:
"“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
― Mohandas Gandhi
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